did you ever realize how much you ment to me? maybe thats why things broke this way.. all i ever wanted was our perpetual happiness not even ours... just yours. i can careless about me. i dont knwo what to say. i dont know why i belived you when you said you loved me. loves not supposed to feel this way. you said you cared so much yet you had to hurt me in the worst possible way im sure i had my share too. i dont know why im writing about this. maybe because i know youre gonna read it. im just feeling really down right now. as i surf the web and see/read about the things you do. how i cant be part of your life anymore. not even be able to talk to you. or even "chat" because im annoying. or stupid. i hate this. i hate it so much kayla. every once in a while it comes back to me. right now. .. is that time. i miss you. i miss my bestfriend kayla.

shes playing games with me.... i dont konw if i like that yet.

i dont want to be in this possition again. things between us didnt work. but for some odd reason i keep pushing for it. like i want it back. distance was a bitch. im not a shallow person. im not. because i see right through her and all i see is this awsome person to be with. who can "be there" for me when i need her to. the problem is most of the time she wasnt there for me. she would always let me down..nontheless all i can think about is the great times i had with her. and to be honest it feels like i dont even remember anything of the things that happened. she made it clear that she was interested last night. but i still dont know. i dont know what i  want. i dont know if this is what i want. the only thing that i remember from the past was how we broke up because of one comment i made. that i should have never said. we talked last night. she almost cried. we didnt say much. the thing that she said ...keeps goin through my head right now is how hurt she was when she kept asking the same question over and over.... i didnt know how to answer. "i dont understand... why you hated me so much. and why you said everything you said..why, billie?" all i had to say was...i dont know. because i dont. i dont know what it was. im not sure about things. because i know what i really want. the only problem is do i really want to take it from the person who offers it to me? i dont want to jump back into things. but its there. what im looking for is being offered to me. i dont wanna be all picky because if you were to look at me youd know that im not in that place. where i can just choose. im ugly. its not like i can just go out and find someone. i dont know if this is worth it. but then again who really is worth it. ive yet to find someone who is. im lost once again. i dont know. it feels like things are mooving too fast between me nad her. i thought that maybe if we were friends things would be ok because well nobody likes to have enemies. but i think ive got myself in a fucked up situation now. letting go of something that cant be is hard. im a fool. im confused and it just brings me down. somehow i know she knows because she could see it in me. the way i couldnt look her in her eyes. somehow she knew. but then again if she knew she wouldnt be asking ...."you still think about her?"  i know its not that. its not that at all. or i just wasnt thinking about that. ive let that go now. maybe it was but not at that moment. i felt my heart beat. it wasnt beating for you. i want this so bad im prepared to make the same mistake twice.

because theyre right.... "everybody needs someone"

got my classes booked for school. not exited at all. i need a job. not school. im sad again. havent shaved in 6 days. dont feel like it. good day. you two are the greatest friends ever. Louisiana is soo lucky.